When I first met Chaz we were in high school. There are so many times that we should have met but didn't. We've lived behind each other for practically our whole lives but never peaked over the fence to meet each other. We had the same friends but never seemed to line up enough to be introduced. We went to the same concerts, stood in the same crowds, watched the same shows. We were always there somehow. Probably one the craziest instances of how often our lives intersected is this photo I took when I was eight years old.
Every year Chaz's dad organized a car show in our hometown. One year for my eighth birthday I asked for a camera. I got a little disposable one that I carried around everywhere and I happened to bring it to the car show. Well, I snapped this picture and later put into a scrapbook I made. I pulled it out one day and showed this picture to Chaz who then told me that his dad put on the car show every year. But what is more crazy about this photo is that this is a picture of Chaz's grandpa's car. And in the background, you can see his mom's car. And that boy on the right, well that's Chaz.
I like to think that there's a reason we didn't meet all those years. Maybe we met at the right time for the right reasons. Chaz is literally the sweetest person I've ever met. And I know everyone says that about their boyfriend because they have to. But I mean it more than anything. When we first started dating we went to prom. He told me I looked beautiful in front of my mom when he first saw me in my prom dress and she still talks about it today. He even bought me the tiny polaroid camera I had been wanting so we could take fun pictures at prom. The first thing Chaz taught me was how to love myself.
Two years into our relationship we both ended up going to Kent. We drove from school to home together. We helped each other with homework. We push each other to be the best that we can be.
That year we found out that Chaz's dad had pancreatic cancer. Which is one of the most aggressive types of cancer, and currently has no cure. The survival rate is less than 1%. I remember sitting in the shitty pick up truck we used to drive around and hearing it for the first time. It was this time of year. We drove home faster. We focused on homework less. We went to the hospital instead of home. We were just hoping it would get better. I genuinely did think it would get better, because hey sometimes positive affirmations make all the difference. I believed it would get better until the day he died.
Every day I would hope the fence to get to Chaz's house, since the beginning. I slipped the first time I did it and I scrapped the back of my leg pretty bad. But I got better at it. I jumped the fence carrying flowers, or cake for his 19th birthday, or with records for the new turntable. But I also jumped that fence carrying blankets I made for his dad, and hot cooked meals I made for his family, or groceries, or anything. And I jumped that fence the morning he called me to tell me that his dad was gone and I did it without shoes on a frozen December day.
Watching Chaz take care of his dad and his family makes me so happy that I have someone who will be there for me when something like that happens. Over the next few weeks, we did all the things that you do when someones dies. We went to the wake, we gathered up the photos for those corkboards they have at funeral homes, we dressed up and we stood in line to shake hands.
At the wake, his dad's car was parked outside. It was his prized possession and even before I knew Chaz I remember hearing his dad start the engine in the summer. So I brought these flowers to lay on the hood.
I know that I talk about Chaz's dad a lot, but it's important. It was such a heartbreaking time for both of us and I don't think you really realize how much you love someone until you go through something like this together. There were so many times when Chaz could have just walked away from me or told me that I needed to step back so he could be with his family. But instead, he made me a part of his family and let me be there for everything. Chaz taught me how to be compassionate, he taught me how to vulnerable, he taught me how to care so much about other people.
When I decided to move to New York, I don't even think I really wanted to go. To be really honest I thought I wasn't going to do well here. I've never been on my own. I would never make enough money in time. I'm not great at making friends. I came up with every excuse I could think of. The main one being that I couldn't leave home and leave Chaz and leave my family and everything that was familiar to me. But we push each other to be better so he drove me to New York with a car packed full of crap. He even carried it all up to my apartment while I sat in disbelief of how incredibly small it was. I don't even believe in myself as much as Chaz believes in me. Which I know I know I should be more confident, and I'm trying to be, but what so wrong with having someone who raises you up?
I am so thankful to have Chaz in my life. Just the other day I was talking with my friends about how bizarre it is to be in a four-year relationship when I'm only 20 years old. But sometimes people find themselves by meeting a ton of new people or traveling, or self-reflection, or being alone, or whatever but it's just as beautiful to find yourself by growing with someone else. I'm thankful for you Chaz, thanks for also being the only other person who reads my blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment